The ego v/s simply giving and doing

I’ve been in this self discovery mode for the last few months and in the process I realized something profound.  You see I’ve been struggling with unhappiness, being dissatisfied, alcohol and other addictions for some time now.  These problems or issues are pretty complicated and unsolvable by an engineer (me) and I’ve realized that it requires a philosopher or a Buddhist monk, which I’am not.  I’ve been reading a number of books about meditation and spirituality and there was something in this book which made me realize that the ego, what is called ‘me or I’ has been very strong in my life.  I spend a lot of time making sure that I’am first and foremost taking care of me.  Not in a ‘good’ taking care of yourself way, but with a more selfish motive.  It could be that I’am making sure that my needs are met above everything else, that no body finds out about my weaknesses, that my time is protected, that my mistakes are not recognized etc. etc.  This is my ego playing it’s role, making sure that I take care of myself first.  Every action I take upon closer inspection has an ulterior motive behind it.  The motive is typically to be recognized, get a pat on the back, for my action to lead to something important or big.  My realization is that in this process I’ve not contributed a whole lot back to the world.  I’am so busy taking care of ‘me’ that I often do not give back what I can to my work or my colleagues.  I’am busy thinking about the best possible outcome for ‘me’ that I actually tie myself into knots and become anxious, playing chess in my own mind.  How best I can control the future, use the best options to give me the best results?  How can I make sure that something I do now will lead to recognition, monetary benefits (better job, better something) in the future?  How can I be perfect so that others cannot point a mistake with what I’ve done (this is happening as I type out these words – will people find fault with my sentences, grammar, prose etc.  I’ve already decided that I am not advertising this blog, so who’s gonna read it?  But still I have to be perfect you see)  In reality it has rarely worked and to the contrary I’ve become stressed out, isolated, unhappy, less confident about myself, but I still continue to do so.  This is a tiring way to live – I seem to be doing things for ‘somebody’ and some unknown outcome in some unknown future.  How about just living and doing something that I feel like doing, without any strings attached?  So today I thought the following :  Why not start contributing back to the world?  Why not do something without an ulterior motive behind the action.  Why not do something which is not driven by my ego.  So here’s my blog with my experiences as I go on this journey to discover myself, beat my addictions and be a better person.  I do not know who will read this, but hopefully it will make sense and help somebody out!  I will honestly strive to have no other motive or allow my ego to get in the way from this stated goal.